Clashing with Blue

Anonymous asked: who are you?

Who are you?  You’re the anonymous one :) ~Matt

we trap lights knowledge in a transparent suspension, reflected on the will of the watching, translated by the voice of virtues resolve.

I care little for the coming days.  I find the haze to be preferable to the complete darkness.  I find listening to and accepting everyone elses reality harder and harder every day.  I only have my perception of events, I have nothing else.  I just have two points, where I was and where I am.  I can look forward toward something, but I can’t negate the past.  Where is truth in anyone’s understanding?  Its nowhere to be found, because to be a human being, is to be irrational, it is the definition of being misunderstood, because understanding is a human concept.  I drank too much, its a holiday celebrated by my ancestors and their contemporaries.  I can’t really explain anything at all anyways, I usually have to lube up my mind with the alternating intoxicants to be able to sound profound, though to say anything is profound is to look through eyes of a child.  Life is common place, all knowledge will one day be known if we can calm down enough to let that “one day” actually happen.  The spirit is willing as always, but the body…well thats a whole other story.  The difference is always the same, it is the perceived and interpolated “space”, the lack is the totality of nothingness.  The willingness to understand nothing, is my willingness to accept the scientific method. 

The last 2 and Half months have been pretty hard.  Life seems to either hate me, or maybe the universe is grooming me for a better purpose?  Lol yeah right.  Though I will say that if the measure of a man is how he acts under pressure.  I can say that I let myself down many times recently, but I also surpassed what I believed I was capable of.  Life gets in the way of living, is a phrase that I have been living by for over a decade.  I dont know why certain things have always stuck with me.  Phrases, tunes, faces, dates and of course music I’ve been working on.  I feel so much nostalgia for so many things.  I find myself looking toward the heavens for answers recently.  I am not looking for a religious awakenings either.  I just feel like I can see more now than I could before.  Something about the stark darkness, with the glimmering pin points of stars burning thousands of years ago, I can see a dead sun on earth right now, I can see it burning as bright as it did for billions of years.  Its so humbling to think about the light that reflects off my body.  Its been traveling at the speed of light for 30 years.  Some people think there is an after life, some people dont think there is anything.  I know something most of them don’t though.  I know that maybe my personal reality and perception are an after thought of the universe.  Maybe light is its thought and I will always be remembered outside of my perceptions, in a way that is unknown to me, but the idea is full of warmth and love to me.  Just the memory.  If you could travel to a distant star a thousand years from now, and you had a telescope powerful enough.  You could point it at our sun, and see me looking up at you.  Dead a thousand years, but alive in light.  Sometimes I think the spectrum of size is what determines god hood.  If a cell in our body could look around, it would only see our body.  Sometimes I think thats how I feel about the universe.  I look out, and I can only see the universe, so I think its god…but what is it really?  What is it?  Why is it? Where is it?  I think these questions every single day, hoping for some mental resolution, but none comes.  Some tell me to find god and usually I find the comments silly.  I already have found god, I look out and see it everywhere.  I can see it in the sky, I can see it in the earth, I can see it in us.  Its the visceral feeling deep within, the one thats unfathomable.  I scares many into thinking stories are the truth, but the truth is in the mechanics of everything.  If we can look down to the smallest, we can understand the largest.  I don’t think most people in this world understand how close we are to knowing this.  It takes minds stronger than mine, and minds unclouded by bias’ of belief rooted in the past, with eyes that could see the future like the night can be the day.  I have said many things, I think many things.  Nothing said here is meant to offend anyone.  If it bothers you, I am sorry.  Its what I feel and try to understand.  I have to hear what everyone else thinks every day, and I keep my mouth shut, but this is for me and me alone, so I need to start writing about what I feel.  I really do, I’m so afraid of where my journey is going to take me.  Uncharted territory.  Just let go of all pretense, and look for purpose in evidence and thought.  We are the first generation of space men.  I am so proud to be alive in a world where rational thought, and scientific ideas are heralded and loved.  I have a mind free to think, and a country that allows me to speak its contents in anyway i’d like.  Its a good time to be a mind. I just need a few more to take this journey with me, but I wont hold my breath. 

In August of 2009 my world collapsed.  I thought that I couldnt cope.  My wife left me, my brother moved away, my band was over and I had nothing.  It was like a puzzle and I could only see the cardboard side.  I started playing music with a friend of mine.  Jesse is the kind of guy that you could look to for anything, he always has an idea, or a way to improve situations, products or companies.  Not to mention he is the only musician I have ever truly envied, which is the highest compliment I can give musically.  He came to a friends house that he didnt know that well, and he didnt leave.  I spent my days slumped over in tears, screaming at doors, windows walls.  He lived with me for the next two years nearly, went to the court house with me for my divorce, and treated me like a brother.  He saved my life and he might not even know it, he is always there ALWAYS, 4 in the morning whenever he was there for me.  Today he was struck by a car and is in a coma.  I can’t deal right now, not at all, not in the least.  I love this man, my brother and my friend.  I would breathe my life into his lungs if I could and fall into the void, but alas I am helpless, as most men are.  I need a hand to hold this night, I really really do, but I am alone, because I am so afraid of life.  Jesse embraces life, set backs, and the journey.  I want him to be better, but I am a godless heathen, I have no lord to pray to, no deity to sanctify my prayers.  Instead I turn to the universe, the never ending tides of feeling and vibration.  I ask this randomly organized universe to give us back its prophet of sound and vibration.  We need to hear his notes, his voice and feel his feelings.  I am as usual over dramatic, but I feel so little for so many, and feel so much for this man.  Without him, there wouldnt be a Matt Brown at all.  I can only say that about my parents, Jen and Jesse Yates.  I love you man, get better, I need to laugh and cry with you again.  I need this, not because I can’t deal without it, but because you were the cause of the best times Ive ever lived.  I am so happy you have caroline, like beyond words happy.  I love you both, and want you to have all the happiness you are capable of.  Good night friend, and I hope tomorrow finds you riding the waves of life once more.

OH POWERFUL QUEEN OF BURRITOS,
I have lived many few days on this earth, and have come to know of your power!  I have heard and experienced the succulent nature of your creations!!!!!  I tell you, I care not for a FREE TACO of any kind!   I say this not as an affront to the quality and taste of your most scrumptious tacos!  I say this because I would rather PAY you for a CLUB BURRITO, than NOT PAY you for a super quality taco!!!  Now you may ask yourself, why would a man care so much about a meal!  Is it the taste?  YES! Is it the nostalgia?  YES! Is it because my life is empty and needs to be filled with a tasty food treat created by your AWESOME BURRITO SCIENTISTS!!?!?!?!  YES!  Please oh mighty powerful Queen, I shall forever remember your name if you provide me a situation where I can pay you, to bring true human happiness to my life!  :::::BOWS SO LOW MY CHIN HITS THE FLOOR:::: I bid you good day my QUEEEEEN!!!
Matt B.

Life is kinda good in a way.

This is needed for my sanity, my life has been poisonous for almost two years now.  I am starting fresh.  I have to say goodbye to many of you, and that pains me, but life will go on, and I need my perspective to change.  Sometimes you have to walk over the hill to realize you were two steps away from the most beautiful vista you could have ever imagined.  I need to take that step and say goodbye to those who walked with me through heartache, and now represent the burden of memory.  

The infinite is so limited.  There are perceived walls to all things, they block us from seeing the difference, but they also allow us to figure out how to figure out.  You can see them if you pay attention, but when you know the limits, can you understand what it means to stand on the edge of the beginning or the beginning of the end.  What does it mean to feel, what does it mean to breathe, these are questions that I have asked since I could speak, and while I may never know where I belong, I know that I am here.  This is the distance in all things, the atoms between touch and nothingness.  It is the realization, that we are the truth and circumstance of the universe.  We are the separation.  What can this mean?  No one can really know, but we can speculate, we can question.  Never forget you are the difference, you are the unknown equation.  I can enjoy speculation, with a heart open to change and forever forgetting, the creation of nothingness.  We are the the embodiment of reality the breath in the universe forever changing and forever unending.  To remember is to see truth, the sparks in minds are the only thing we will ever recognize as intelligence.  Hahaha, maybe I’ve had too many this eve, but I can tell you this.  Life hurts because its capable of hurting, and love life, because its the only way to realize what humanity is, the collection of molecules, distilled into a form, that couldnt be more perfect, and couldnt be more flawed, we are piles of atoms, walking talking and broken.  We ARE, and that is important, never forget who and what you are, an unknown entity… :)  lol I’m drunk, but that doesnt matter…this is for me only.  If you read this, I dont care, but its for me.   

In the insignificant moments between the beginning of thought, there is a time of solace that tells the world the intentions of invention.  While most of us never think about the quiet time where humanity reaches into the tangible, we can all learn from the distance between nothing and thought.  This is where the universe becomes real.  Its where every moment we’ve ever experienced comes to fruition, it is the pinnacle of all those who breathe.  Feel the air fill your lungs, the vigour, the speed from inception to completion.  We are the distance from the void of nothing to the lips of god.  Never underestimate your power, never feel less than than what you are, the genetic manifestation of gods will.  The universe is god, and it guides us through visual cues and feelings so absolutely astounding we might never know their essence.  Treasure your moments and remember that you are the universe made manifest, you are all the children of our god, the mother of all.  Those who claim to not believe in anything need to believe in this for the simple fact that it is, and we exist, we are star dust, borne in the furnace stars that have lived and died, billions of years were required to make the elements that make up your body, never forget that you were once a star, and that you touched the lips of god in the hot glow that forged every atom in your body.  Never forget the struggle, the clockwork symmetry, the beauty and the glory of form.  Never in your life forget, that the odds of you living are staggering.  When you look at the night sky, all those points of light left different stars at different times, all reaching you at this moment, where you live on a planet, that bore you, and supported you, so that in this perfect single moment…you could look up and see a mosaic of epic proportions.  It is unfathomable to this mind…it is unfathomable.  The mathematics can not work in this brain so limited.  I love every moment, and forget all my pain, in hopes to understand what I see with eyes so small, so absolutely perfected to see something that humanity cant explain…light.  Light is god, photons reflect off your atoms and show me what you look like, it shows me your form, but I can never see you, because my eyes can not see atoms, only the lights reflection.  I can never see you and I can never touch you, but you are real.  This is the paradox of life.  How can I love if I can never see you or touch you, how can I love, I can only perceive.  My perception is my only handle on reality.  Never forget where you come from…never forget. We are star stuff…the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out.